Hello. How are you?

Generally well. My body confidence has been shattered by reading too many fashion magazines and I’m always worrying about the law catching up with me.

I’d do anything for love but I won’t do that. What is that?

It’s a fetish combination of stirrups, laughing gas and general anaesthetic.

Who’s the man that’s a sex machine to all those chicks out there?

If you believe the papers, it’s Jason Manford, isn’t it? Britain’s version of Tiger Woods.

How would you describe your default poker tactics?

Like a bull in a china shop. A bull strapped with explosives with a raging hard-on.

What’s the point of it all?

The feeling you get when you watch someone fall onto their face. Unbeatable.